I Don't Want You to Die
by MilesAboveFantasy
Summary: Alex Rider returns to London and visits Paul Drevin in the hospital where he realizes that they have more in common than he thought. Post-Snakehead.


**Title** : I Don't Want You to Die

 **Summary** : Alex Rider returns to London and visits Paul Drevin in the hospital where he realizes that they have more in common than he thought. Post-Snakehead.

 **Notes** : I always loved Paul and Alex's friendship ever since I read Ark Angel in ~2008. I felt so bad for Paul, and was sad we never learned anything more.

* * *

The first time Alex met Paul, the other boy had been crying in his room. Softly, trying to hide it, but crying nonetheless. Alex had assumed it was due to pain. The kid was in the hospital after all. The next day, Alex found out that it had been his birthday. At the time, Alex had thought nothing of it, and was content to just be friendly to his hospital neighbor. Only later had all the pieces come together. Then the guilt that wasn't his to feel poured in.

Paul had been crying alone on his birthday. Alone because his father couldn't find the time to come see him for his birthday or even after his surgery. A sad enough fact alone, Alex recalled noting when they were still at the hospital together, but now it upset him even more. Paul would never have thought poorly of his father other than that he was always too busy to spend time with him. That his father cared about his business more than him.

But now his father had shot him.

It made Alex too sad. All of his own troubles, he could deal with. Perhaps he did it to remain strong so that he could keep on going. If he broke for a second, he might not be able to put the pieces back together. It wasn't as if his life would ever let up.

But now, as he looked down at Paul in his hospital bed with his knees pulled up to his chest, a bandage causing a protrusion in the shoulder of his gown - where Alex knew he had been shot - and tears pouring down his face… Alex let himself cry too.

Paul locked eyes with him for the first time since he entered the room, and Alex half-expected to see his eyes full of hate. Instead, his blue eyes reminded Alex of the icy rain outside that had peppered his hair and found its way down his neck on his walk over. It sent a chill through his body.

The eyes. They were so sad. Alex felt his stomach twist, and he wanted to throw up from the guilt of whatever small yet unavoidable part he played in causing Paul pain. The other boy had just wanted a friend that could understand his life. Alex knew that feeling all too well.

He fell to his knees beside Paul's bed and sat there in silence, hands and head resting gently on the sheets.

Ever since he had knocked Paul out in the equipment room, he had wanted to talk to him. To explain that he hadn't used him. That their friendship was real, even if Paul had annoyed him at first. It wasn't his fault that he was how he was. Not his fault that his father was a monster.

It hadn't been apparent at first, but they had a lot in common. At first, Paul was just a spoiled rich kid. Harmless, but would grow up into a self-absorbed man. Now Alex knew that wasn't the half of it. They had a lot in common. They were victims of circumstance and birth.

Alex licked his lips, and tried to speak, but nothing came out. He looked at Paul again, really looked, and was struck by how small he was. They were only eight months apart in age, but Paul felt so much more vulnerable. Alex felt a breath leave his lungs. Was this how everyone in his life saw him? Because all he wanted right now was to protect him.

Their eyes locked for a moment more, and Paul turned away.

Alex exhaled a quiet breath; a surprise breath, because he couldn't remember the last time he inhaled, though a breath of relief nonetheless. There was no rush to talk. They had all night. It had already been three weeks since they had seen each other. Alex had been to space, been in and out of the atmosphere, used, manipulated and betrayed. And now he was here. With his… with his friend.

It pained Alex to realize that he had forgotten about Paul during his business with ASIS. It wasn't until this morning that Mrs. Jones had asked to speak with him. There were times, as scant as they were, where he was reminded that she was human. Kids were her weak point, and he didn't want to explore the thought of why.

She had told him that Paul was recovering in a hospital here as they created a new identity for him and his mother. His father had enough money confiscated that the whole process was a matter of pennies. They were innocents after all. Underneath it all, Mrs. Jones was a caring person. She further confirmed it when she suggested that he visit Paul.

That was why Alex was here now. To help his friend in adapting to an entirely new life. Alex chuckled sardonically at the thought - he certainly was an expert at that.

"I know how you feel," Alex said suddenly. It was quiet, but his deep voice carried and echoed around the room. "Well, I thought I did during the days we spent together. You were the spoiled rich kid who wanted a friend. But now…" He felt his words falter, afraid to insult the other boy. "I suppose it's worse now. No friends, betrayed, and thrust into a life you know nothing about. Did they tell you what happened after you passed out?"

Paul turned to him slowly. His blond hair was short but messy. His lips quivered a little. Alex felt bad for bringing up the bad memories, but they both needed to talk about it. About everything.

"Not much," Paul said after a while. His voice was small and afraid, despite being in a warm bed in the most secure hospital in the country. "Dad crashed his plane." _My doing_ , Alex thought. "And then you had to go and do something."

Alex nodded. "I went to space."

Paul's eyes widened.

Alex smiled softly. "Yeah, wild, I know. And maybe you don't want to believe me. Because, yeah, I was there to spy on your dad. But I never wanted to lie to you."

Paul nodded blankly and without emotion. Alex could tell that the boy believed him. He could see it in his eyes and written across his face. Soft lips in a forced smile, eyes blinking back tears he refused to let spill - eyes filled with anger, disbelief, and finally acceptance.

It was a look that Alex was all too familiar with. It was the look he could feel gradually etching its way as a permanent fixture on his own face every time he came back from a mission.

Alex felt a slow, friendly smile spread on his lips, as if he were letting a friend in on a secret. In a way, he was. "I was in space. On Ark Angel. I had to stop a bomb - I will explain that to you one day - but as I was about to leave, I knew I had one last thing to do. I found a shutter that faced Earth and opened it." He stopped for a moment, amazed by his own memory. "It was beautiful. Fantastic. Everything you could hope for and more. To see our planet in full, rotating under you. And do you know what I felt?"

Paul shook his head.

"Alone," Alex said. The word got caught in his throat, and the part of him that wanted to cry as a million and one emotions fought for dominance trembled. He closed his eyes and felt his eyelids brush aside tears. "So, incredibly, incredibly alone. For a minute there, I was the only life in the universe not on Earth. It reminded me of every way that I was different, and in some ways I belonged there. A part of me thinks I never should have left…"

Paul's hand found Alex's and gave it a grip. "I don't want you to die."

Alex laughed. "Would you be surprised to hear that is in the top ten nicest things I have heard this year?"

Paul laughed and Alex smiled, turning his hand so that his palm met Paul's.

"I don't want you to die either," Alex said. "When your father at shot me, I was afraid. I thought he hit me. And then he didn't, and I was ready to move again, sure that I couldn't do anything to dodge another round. That my time had finally run out. And then I saw your father's face fall - and I knew. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if you had died. You were innocent in it all. You were my friend."

Alex felt Paul grip his hand in support. And then he looked up to Paul who was leaning closer, and suddenly, Alex knew what was happening but he didn't stop it. Paul's lips met his.

It was a short kiss.

Paul pulled away and fell back into bed. He winced as a vibration traveled through his body and irritated his wounds. "Sorry," he muttered sheepishly.

Alex blinked. "Don't be." And he gave Paul's hand a squeeze. "Perhaps a hug?"

Paul nodded quickly, and Alex could only chuckle as he stood up and leaned over the bed to pull him into an embrace. It felt good and warm, and Alex knew that he wanted to let go less than Paul did. So he didn't.

He wasn't sure if Paul liked him enough to kiss him, or if he were just desperate for human contact. Had he really wanted to kiss him? Did Paul want him as more than a friend, or was he unable to untangle the threads between friendship and love? Alex understood that well, memories of Sabina and Tom, each in their own ways, drifting into his mind.

If kissing would be a thing, it would come later. For now, they weren't alone, and that was all that either of them truly wanted.

When Alex pulled away, he saw hope leave Paul's eyes. "I heard you were staying in London."

Paul smiled and nodded cautiously, then hope returned to his eyes and hardened to steel. "Paul Angster," he said as he held out his hand. "American. My mom just got a job here. Nice to meet ya."

"Alex Rider," Alex returned, and took his hand.

With that, they were a little bit less alone than before.


End file.
